His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
How naked do you want me to be?
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize