i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
She's the barista slut.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Randomize
