he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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