Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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