the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
