What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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