How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
