I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Randomize
