there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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