All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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