the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Ketchup is God's man juice
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
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I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
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You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.