It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
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