I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
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