Please, let me fuck your mom
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
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