Me. At least after what I've been through.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Randomize
