fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
