he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
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the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
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It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
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