Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize
