I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
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