The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Randomize
