Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
