I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
