I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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