I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
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