I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
