You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Randomize
