I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
