the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
