Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
