There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
