I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
