it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
my mouth tastes like poor choices
Quick, to the slutcave!
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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