Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Randomize
