Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
