I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
