omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Randomize
