i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Randomize
