I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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