I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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