Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
