so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
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