you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
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