I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Randomize
