Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
