I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
