This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
