you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Randomize
