YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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