I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
