I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
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