He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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