The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
