I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
