If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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