i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Don't make out with my wife yet
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
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