mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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