Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
