i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
