Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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