I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Randomize
