My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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