My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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