I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
