finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Oh god it's open bar.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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