someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
